My husband and I were both born and raised in the LDS church. And we did EVERYTHING.
For myself, I was the eldest daughter of the family, with four younger siblings. I was an accidental baby; a pregnancy that encouraged my parents to stay together.
In fact, I was around a year old when my parents had me sealed to them in the Mormon temple…
A fact which I always disliked – the idea that my coming into existence before a legal document of marriage being signed was considered a “sin.”
So, to be dramatic, I suppose you could say I had issues with the religion since my birth!
As many an eldest daughter, I felt it to be my duty to be “the example.” To do everything right, to never mess up. To “Lead by Example.”
I was born in 1999. The rhetoric I grew up with is very different then than it is nowadays in the church. It was more along the lines of “don’t be a lukewarm Christian,” “don’t be a fence sitter,” “The rules are black and white with no room for grey.”
I was ALL IN in the church.
I got baptized at 8 years old.
I went to church every Sunday and stayed the whole three hours.
I was in leadership positions all throughout my time in Beehives, Mia Maids, and Laurels.
I spent hours outside of church on Sundays and during the weeks attending countless leadership meetings and planning plenty of youth activities.
I got my patriarchal blessing.
I attended weekly youth activities and rarely missed one.
I went to every temple trip, youth study trip, etc.
I participated in early morning scripture study with my family before seminary and school; every morning.
I participated in our weekly family home evenings.
I bore my testimony in sacrament meeting even though I absolutely despised the attention, being up there in front of everyone like that.
I attended EFY and girls camp; and bore my testimony at every single testimony meeting because I felt guilty to God if I didn’t.
I waited until 16 to date; and didn’t steady date until after my mission.
I covered my shoulders, wore longer shorts and skirts, layered my clothes – with the mindset that I was preparing myself to wear garments one day.
I was excited to become a YCL, youth camp leader as a teen at 18 and plan activities, help the girls, etc.
I attended and graduated seminary in high school – rarely missed a day. I studied that doctrine and memorized scriptures like no other.
When I graduated high school, I DESPERATELY prayed about serving a mission.
I never got a “yes or no” answer. My intuition and mind thought to myself, “It’s your decision,” and “If you look back on your life, will you be happy you served?”
Of course, as a teenager at 18 who was still very actively engaged in the church, I chose to go.
I got my endowment in the Mormon temple, and had lots of family and friends attend with me – I remember bawling my eyes out when the ceremony was over.
I gave up 1.5 years of my life fresh out of high school laboring in the New York, New York City mission where I spent countless hours studying, teaching, and baptizing strangers in the church.
I was DEDICATED to my studies, and got into some insanely deep and intricate topics regarding religion.
I taught myself how to respond to criticism against the church – How to argue on the PRO side of the religion.
And I was GOOD at it, too.
I argued and debated with hundreds of people while on my mission in regards to the topic of religion.
And every time, I always left feeling as though I had won a victory.
Looking back; they weren’t victories.
It was the people I debated with, seeing that I was so close-minded to what they had to say, that they stopped trying to debate me. And because of that, I felt as though there was nothing they could say that would contradict the church, and therefore, reiterated internally to me that of course, “The Church is true.”
I could find any scripture I was thinking of in seconds, knowing exactly where to look.
I knew the gospel and the church like the BACK OF MY HAND.
What was wrong, what was right.
But oh, how wrong I was.
Coming back from my mission, my mission president heavily emphasized a new mission; get married and multiply and replenish the earth.
So when I came home, that was my mission.
I bawled when I was released from my “calling” as a missionary, and when I gave my homecoming talk over video in 2020.
I applied to college in Utah, which I viewed as the hub of Mormonism with the mindset of “I don’t really know what I want to be or what my plan is, but college will help me find a husband.”
I chose a major in which would allow me, once married, to be as involved with my future children’s lives as possible; elementary education. Not a career field I was sure I actually wanted; but one that would support me as a wife and mother – the “highest calling,” as I was raised to believe.
I would work with kids, and have the summers off to stay home with my own.
It would be the perfect job when my future kids were school-aged, where I could work while they were also at school but then be home with them after to take care of them as was my duty.
I set myself up to attend college institute courses weekly, and institute events also weekly – Seminary for college. I was determined to graduate from institute and signed up for multiple classes.
I went to church every Sunday in college, attended all the gatherings and “family home evenings.”
I signed up for online dating, as per my peers in college.
I met my husband online.
We talked virtually for three hours, and set up an in-person date for the next day; which just so happened to be the day before I started my freshman year of college. A week later, we officially became “boyfriend and girlfriend.” We were engaged three months into our relationship; and married 5 months after that.
The next thing I knew, I transferred my college credits to the university my husband was attending and moved 45 minutes away to be with him.
We got sealed in the temple, considered ourselves lucky to be able to do so with Covid closing buildings left and right. We didn’t even bother to do a civil ceremony, as in our minds, “the sealing was the most important thing.”
I feel robbed of that now; robbed of the chance to have my princess moment of walking down the aisle, etc. because I had believed that the church and the sealing was above all things mortal.
I was, and still am, absolutely in love with my husband. In fact, that’s one thing the church gave me that I will forever be grateful for; the love of my life!
But at the same time, we were living in a 400-square foot studio apartment while both going to college, trying desperately to make ends meet, AND for some reason decided having a baby at that time would be a priority, after all, the church proclaimed that it is a commandment to “multiply and replenish the earth.”
We found ourselves facing infertility; something I am VERY grateful for today; but back then it was something that felt so devastating, it was like we were failing God.
I had good friends who also did the same as us; sealed in the temple – that left the church.
I was devastated. Completely heartbroken; and we judged them harshly.
However, this ignited lively debates between my husband and I about the church; we both loved a good debate, and in this case, it was us versus the doctrines of the church.
It was exciting and thrilling to analyze the gospel.
To research, study, seek answers.
We researched and studied on the pro-side of the church; considered ourselves “out there” since we researched materials that weren’t specifically church-assigned.
However if there was anything college taught us, it was how to research – and how to look at ALL sources and sides; not just one.
I became a young women’s leader; I taught the young women the gospel. Attended girls camp with them. Sought out the less active girls.
The girls challenged me with questions that I had to research, study, analyze.
I worked with them to stay in the church; to keep their faith. To believe.
One Sunday, I was assigned to teach a lesson to these young women about the priesthood – about women’s roles in the priesthood…
And after teaching that lesson…
I never went back.
