Many active Mormons will claim that the church teaches endless love, fulfillment, and peace in life.
But from our experience?
It’s actually the opposite.
Instead of personal peace; we found stress about making sure we were obeying and keeping all of our commandments, promises, and covenants with God.
Instead of love, we found judgement in every little tiny action and deed we did that did not 100% align with the church teachings.
Instead of fulfillment, we found ourselves running our bodies, minds, and energy straight into the ground all day, every day as we tried to keep up with all of the church’s demands for us to live by.
And worst of all?
We grew up hating ourselves.
Hating that we were a fallen, imperfect wreck of a human.
Hating that we were so weak and helpless without a savior to save us.
Hating that we were unworthy, and full of such a negative, evil nature.
These were the church teachings that formed our internal dialogue of our own self-worth and importance…from a VERY young age.
And surprise surprise;
Our self worth was at an all-time LOW.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2011/10/you-matter-to-him?lang=eng
We didn’t believe in ourselves and our own abilities as humans.
We didn’t believe we had any importance in ourselves without a God.
We believed we were just dust of the earth.
Believed that self-importance was a sin. That “pride” in oneself and your work was a sin.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/nt/john/15?lang=eng
We learned to take zero credit for our own efforts; to dedicate all we had to an extra-terrestrial godly being in the sky.
We learned to be helpless and powerless without leaning on the LDS religion for all of our support and strength.
We learned to trust the church with everything we had, are, and were.
And as a result,
we almost got permanently stuck in the church’s Venus flytrap.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/gospel-topics/atonement-of-jesus-christ?lang=eng
“We are unworthy before God.”
“…encouraging them to believe in the fantasy of their own self-importance.”
“Without (God) ye can do nothing.”
“The only way for us to be saved is for someone else to rescue us.”
“The natural man is an enemy to God.”
“We are unworthy”
“Our natures (are) evil continually”
“Our fallen, mortal nature”
“Our individual sins…our only hope…”
“None shall be found blameless…”
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/bofm/mosiah/3?lang=eng
Does that sound like uplifting, positive self-talk to you?
And what’s fascinating is that the church will pair THESE harmful, self-deprecating teachings right along positive ones, such as claiming that God loves them so much that he sent His only Begotten Son to die for them. That their worth of their soul is great in the eyes of God. That there is hope and salvation for them because God loves them perfectly.
But these words are to disguise what’s going on underneath…
The use of self-deprecating language and teachings about oneself and who they are as a natural, human being,
reinforces the negative self-talk that humans already seem to have in their systems from society alone.
This rhetoric feeds on people’s negative self-image; and when people hear the words of being nothing, being worthless, needing to be saved by someone else…
It makes them feel heard. Understood.
Gives them almost a sense of peace and validation in their own self-hatred.
They find comfort in the negative self-importance,
Because it’s what they’re already used to telling themselves on a daily basis.
It feeds into negative self-talk,
Instead of helping to try and achieve peace and love for yourself and who you are naturally.
And then what does the church do?
It takes the negative self-talk that it’s been feeding its members,
And then states,
“Yeah you’re unimportant, weak, and helpless…”
“But GOOD NEWS!”
“If you accept that you’re worthless, you can find peace in knowing that you’re saved!!”
“So yeah, you might be a fallen sinner…”
“But hey! Look at GOD!”
“WE can give you the validation you seek! You’re incapable of doing it yourself of course…come to US! Rely on US!!”
“You can’t do this alone! You need God! You need us!”
This rhetoric bulldozes over building actual, genuine self-confidence in individuals,
And instead manipulates them into turning away from their inner selves;
Cutting them off from themselves and their inherent divinity within as humans alone,
And teaches them to rely on external validation.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/bofm/mosiah/3?lang=eng
When a person learns to only rely on external validation,
It makes it that much harder to leave the community in which they recieve nothing BUT external validation.
They struggle sitting alone with themselves.
They struggle finding their own strength and peace from within their own bodies.
They see themselves as lesser; fallen. Sinners.
Incapable. Weak. Selfish.
Without a “God” in their lives.
And so they get stuck in the Venus flytrap;
Hoping for someone to see them; truly see them. For someone to love them as they are, even with all their faults and imperfections.
And then find themselves stuck in a web that many are never able to escape.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1975/10/we-can-t-do-it-alone?lang=eng
Abusers prey on those who have low self-worth and self-image.
They encourage negative self-talk and feelings of weakness,
And call it “scripture.”
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/bofm/alma/26?lang=eng
Abusers slowly get their victims to rely on them.
They wind them tighter and tighter into their web of external validation.
To the point where the victim will do anything the abuser says;
Contribute financially to a billion-dollar organization.
Accept their positions as women underneath the leadership of a male patriarchy.
Give up their “foolish” dreams to do what “God wants” them to do instead.
Allow the abuser to tell you what to wear,
How to dress,
What to drink.
To give countless hours of unpaid manual labor and time, out of the goodness of their own hearts.
To participate in religious rituals where you promise to give EVERYTHING you are and have to a deity in the sky.
To believe that everything the abuser is doing to them, is for their own good.
Until the abuser controls EVERY. single. aspect. of their life.
And the victim?
They learn to rely on the abuser like a drug they cannot live without.
And every time they try to leave, or consider leaving…
They are met with a wall of personal Incapability and learned helplessness.
They chalk up the struggles of leaving the abuser, to “the abuser was right! It’s better if I stay.”
We’ve heard it takes an average of 7 times for a person to leave their abusive partner.
From our experience,
Leaving the LDS Church is no different.
And those who do manage to escape?
Do so at the cost of their minds.
I mean after all;
Our therapy bills have not exactly been cheap.
–
Imagine shaming someone for leaving the church –
Because they don’t believe in teaching people that they are incapable, weak, fallen sinners, and nothing…without someone else coming to save them; in teaching people to reject their inner abilities, turn away from themselves, and learning to rely on external validation.
