Although the Mormon church is set up as a known patriarchal system,
That doesn’t mean that men are exactly benefitting from the system more than the women are.
They might benefit in some ways, absolutely.
However, wherever patriarchy is present…
No one wins; regardless of gender.
Not even the men.
The priesthood is set up in a the form of a Hierarchy. Different levels of priesthood, obtained at different ages as you get older; each bearing more weight and responsibility than the last.
The older you get, the more that’s on your shoulders.
At each level of the Heirarchy of the priesthood, you are responsible for the levels below you; you only increase in duties.
Once you are ordained to the priesthood, you recieve a “line of authority” of everyone who came before you; the line that follows who gave the priesthood authority and power to whom; who then gave the priesthood to YOU.
It’s a big responsibility for a young boy; living up to his spiritual ancestors, not letting them down.
It also creates a very large sense of authority and pride in being able to hold the priesthood; the power to act in the name of God.
But with that priesthood duty, comes a multitude of other responsibilities.
It’s drilled into young men that their sole purpose in life is to provide for his wife and kids, be the priesthood holder for his entire family so they have access to God’s authority (since women aren’t allowed to hold that power), and to take care of literally everything under the sun such as finances, house, and cars, etc.
A wife’s job is to the kids and the house;
But the men? The men are in charge of their wife.
If a man’s wife were to “fail” in her duties,
The man’s authority which acts as an umbrella covers her; and as such, her “failed” duties must be covered by her husband.
The weight of the entire household is fully on the shoulders of the husband.
And although the wife has very demanding expectations of her in the church as well, everything that the wife does, is a direct reflection of the husband that presides over her.
Burdens, weight, duty.
It explains why Mormon men tend to seek out “righteous wives” in the dating pool;
Because their wives’ abilities are a reflection of their husband and his authority over his family.
Mormon men are drawn to women who are less likely to complain about kids and house cleaning.
Because if she fails…the man has to sweep in.
Everything that is hers?
Is also his to oversee.
And it bears a lot of weight in the public, social eye of the Mormon church.
The men of the church are told that if they can’t do it all themself, that they can reach out for help from others.
However,
It’s kind of an unspoken shame that if you aren’t able to do it all yourself,
To provide for everything for your family yourself,
You’re seen as less of a man.
You’re supposed to be able to do it all yourself.
And the other men that have to step in and take care of your family for you because you failed?
Talk about societal judgement and pressure.
But this is the type of rhetoric that boys and men receive from the LDS church; obvious or not.
Be the example, be the leader; be perfect.
Provide finances, education, pick up any and all slack…
Make sure your family is praying together, doing Family home evening activities, studying the scriptures;
Oversee that your wife is running the household the way she should.
It’s why we see many Mormon relationship dynamics, where the husband can be fairly demeaning and strict regarding his wife and his household.
If things don’t get done the way the church says they should?
It all falls on the husband.
The husband has the priesthood, the authority, the leadership.
He delegated the tasks to his wife. It falls on him if it is not completed.
Talk about fostering environments for relationship/marital abuse…
And let’s not forget about the “Fix it” mindset that the church drills into its’ boys from a young age.
Problems that are brought to a man’s attention, mean that it is his job to fix them and come up with solutions.
He’s the leader, the head of the household.
As a man, concerns, needs, and problems fall on the man’s shoulders to fix.
If his wife is unable to fix an issue;
It’s the man who has to bear the weight of that responsibility.
The church tries to make it seem like an honor;
Make it seem like the husband and wife work together equally.
But in all reality?
It’s as it states in “the family a proclamation;”
At the end of the day,
“Fathers are to preside over their families.”
This also goes for the protection of one’s family members, his wife and children.
If a life is lost,
the burden of it falls on the man’s shoulders.
It is HIS fault for failing to protect his family;
Maybe he didn’t get maintenance done on the car soon enough,
Maybe he could have went and made the trip for his wife instead…
Maybe he wasn’t worthy enough and his priesthood duty failed to protect them…
But regardless, the church makes it clear that it’s a man’s job to provide protection for their families.
And god forbid if something were to happen to them;
The heaviness will weigh very deeply on the man;
Regardless of fault or none.
What an intense pressure to put on young boys regarding their future families;
On the men of the church.
The responsibility of keeping you entire family alive; as YOU are the head of it all.
“The husband” of this blog page, my husband, informed me that men in the church try to be supportive of eachother; “it’s a brotherhood,” he said.
However,
He also told me that the men can be (subtly or not) very condescending on men, who they feel do not measure up or meet the expectations of the church.
“What it means to be a man;”
Provide, protect, lead…be a spiritual god yourself. Be perfect. Be strong. Stay steady.
Push aside your own emotions for everyone else.
Shove them deep down.
Men that aren’t “measuring up” in the church,
means that other men have to step in and help these men to do their own jobs;
it falls on the shoulders of the other men,
if one man is failing in his duty to provide.
So not only are men responsible for their own families;
But they are responsible for everyone else as well.
Ir also teaches the men of the church that women, in comparison to the men?
Well, it makes the women seem helpless.
If a woman’s husband were to die, then the other men step in to provide.
They teach the men to do everything alone;
And regardless of the church claiming that men and women are equal,
The man is still at the top of the umbrella, overseeing it all.
(But still underneath God, of course)
(Underneath the church).
The husband, the man, is also at risk of getting released from church callings if he is struggling to make ends meet or provide for his family;
Because, as my husband told me; “How can you fulfill a simple calling if you can’t support your own family in your own home?”
I believe my husband used the word “Condescending” multiple times.
The Mormon men hold each other to an impossibly high standard; not necessarily a fault of their own, but rather due to the high expectations and teachings of the church.
So when one fails?
The quiet judgement and condescension towards each other as men is there.
They don’t let eachother live things down.
They internally and quietly police one another.
As my husband states; the men of the church are “Supportive in the most condescending way possible.”
A man is responsible for his own, yes.
But as stated above; he is supposed to be responsible for everyone else as well.
If someone needs help, say an external family member, it is expected that you help them regardless.
It is expected that you, as a priesthood holder, should be able to care for yourself, your family, and even external family such as your own mother and father in their older age.
Talk about a HEAVY weight to have placed on your shoulders;
As young as the age of 11.
https://newsroom.churchofjesuschrist.org/article/age-changes-youth-progression-ordination-announced
And it doesn’t end once your children move out.
If one of your children “fails” in the adult world, the man should have set himself up well enough to be able to continue care for that child, and is socially financially responsible for them still. Even if they are an adult.
Your child’s failure becomes your own;
Your child’s failure is a reflection of you.
So you better do what you can to get them back on their feet.
It all falls on the man. On his shoulders and reputation.
Church teaching or not,
The societal church expectations makes this a requirement of the men; outwardly or quietly.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2019/04/36nelson?lang=eng
There seems to be a pattern of negative mental health amongst the men in the LDS church.
There’s such insane pressure on the men to be successful, to provide, to “be a real man;”
They are told that it is not their job to take care of themself, but rather it’s their job to focus their care on everyone else;
To only engage in selfless service.
“By taking care of everyone else, God will take care of me. Everything will work out.”
This mindset absolutely wreaks havoc on men’s mental health in the church!
Men are taught to ignore any personal internal depression and suffering; because their emotions don’t matter. Everyone else around them is what matters.
External validation covers up the actual problems men battle internally every day.
They are taught to jump in and fix every problem and issue that arises immediately! Like it’s a personal duty to cater to everyone else;
even at the expense of their own self care and mental health.
This is NOT a healthy mindset to live in.
Work.
work.
work.
No rest.
“Your children’s work ethic is a direct reflection of your work ethic as a man.”
“Your wife is a reflection of you as a man.”
“Your household and home…”
“Everything you have…”
“reflects on YOU as the man,
the head of the household.”
The “priesthood holder.”
How spiritual your family is,
is a reflection of you as the man.
Your wife decides not to attend church or bring the children with her?
It’s YOUR job to get those kids to church.
And cover for your wife as to why she’s not there.
After all,
The family’s spirituality,
Is on YOU.
The man.
“A father must make sure that his family is taught the gospel.”
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2005/04/pornography?lang=eng
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/teachings-spencer-w-kimball/chapter-17?lang=eng
One thing that is absolutely HAMMERED into men,
Is sexual “purity.”
The church teaches men that they should not think, see, etc. any sort of “impure” thoughts.
Sex is bad. Masturbation is bad. Intimate self exploration is bad. Talking about sex is bad.
Anything sexual becomes taboo for men in the Mormon church.
Boys and men develop extreme, intense self-deprecating thoughts about themselves if they allow ANY type of “sexual” thoughts into their minds.
A lot of young men are awkward about the topic; they won’t talk about sex, or sexual emotions.
It is deemed a taboo topic;
because the the church shames the boys for anything sexual.
When in all reality?
While it’s important for boys and men to learn to live with sexual arousal and emotions,
It’s important for sexual health to acknowledge that these experiences are human, and normal.
Recognizing the physical traits you like in a girl as a boy, or a woman as a man that you are attracted to…isn’t a bad thing.
Feeling sexually attracted or aroused by a woman is not a bad thing.
It’s important to learn to control sexual urges and desires;
But the church teaches the boys and men to shut it all out completely.
There is no sexual education.
There is literally Nothing; until marriage.
And then when it’s time for the wedding night,
How many young men have struggled sexually?
Being told “no no no no no no no, bad bad bad bad bad bad bad…”
And then all of a sudden in a SINGLE night go to “yes yes yes yes yes yes yes!”
It’s a drastic change for a man to make in the way his brain is wired.
It can interfere with natural, beautiful sexual intimacy between a man and a person whom he so deeply loves.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2994165/
The males of the church are told that even their own thoughts are not safe from God; that God can hear them.
That He knows their thoughts.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2005/04/pornography?lang=eng
So even if men have what the church would call “impure” thoughts, and no one else hears or sees them?
The men are told that God just saw all of it.
Cue the internal negative self-talk and self-criticism.
Cue the self-deprecation.
Men are told that they need to control their thoughts;
so they don’t turn into “addicts” and “gross wicked” people.
And even if there’s no one around to hear them;
Allowing the thought to even cross their mind
Is a sin.
Men need more access to healthy discussions regarding sex and sexuality;
NOT to be told to repress it all.
“Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let it show,”
didn’t even work in the Disney movie “Frozen.”
It’s time for better sexual education.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2005/04/pornography?lang=eng
“You appear beautiful on the outside, but you’re wicked and unclean on the inside.”
You are “within full of dead men’s bones.”
Talk about some intense self-deprecation talk.
“Your thoughts are a direct reflection of who you are as a person.”
I mean, the women and girls were always told that what they wore told people who they were on the inside.
So I suppose it’s no surprise that they would do anything different for the men.
The church wants to keep everyone relying on the church and at their mercy, after all.
Not just the women.
And negative self-talk and influence is one of the most powerful ways to do it.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/teachings-spencer-w-kimball/chapter-17?lang=eng
“Gross”
“Distant from joy”
“Hollowness and emptiness”
Men are taught by the church to keep it all to themselves.
All their struggles, failures, negative self-image.
They Internalize it all.
Alone.
Sexual urges are a taboo topic.
The men do end up feeling hollow and empty…,
but not because of their sexual ideas and thoughts.
It’s because they are shamed for normal human and properly developmental behaviors, thoughts and curiosities.
Until they get married.
Then somehow,
They’re expected to know everything about it?
Growing up, my husband told me that when they were taught about missions, it was NOT exactly portrayed as a “choice.”
It was a commandment for him growing up.
They call it a “personal decision” now; but back in the day? Not a choice.
But even then, this talk pulled from the church from 2012 is titled “Why is there so much pressure” on young men to go on a mission?
That alone shows and demonstrates the societal pressures young boys are faced with when it comes to “deciding” if they should go on a mission or not.
And the church depicts the “decision” in a shameful manner;
“Decision…whether or not he will fulfill his priesthood duty…”
It’s not an option for the boys.
Even if the church tried to make it seem like they’re flexible about it.
There’s a DEEP shame that follows men if they do not go on a mission; for not fulfilling their manly “duty” or “obligation.”
The men are gentle; but still condescending;
“You couldn’t give up only two years?”
There is a deeply implied shame if a boy doesn’t go; he’s quietly and socially looked down upon.
And as a mission tends to be more of a “coming of age” ritual that is seen as crucial to growing into adulthood,
The members of the church tend to treat you like a child still…
…until you decide and go on a mission.
Only then do they see you as a true “man,”
“Grown into adulthood” at last.
At the young age 20.
Barely a 2-year old adult.
My husband told me that they were taught that there were the Ten Commandments;
But that for the boys, there was an 11th.
And the 11th commandment?
To serve a f****** mission.
No excuses.
Hence the social shame if you do not go.
The church treats a mission like a simple ask;
But it’s asking a boy straight out of high school to pay the church to spend two years in a foreign country speaking a language they don’t know without seeing any family, friends or loved ones, susceptible to all sorts of diseases, sicknesses and injuries as well as foreign laws, governments and hospitals…
Why are we shaming boys for not wanting to do something like that?!
My husband spent the vast majority of his life in “Extreme optimism.”
It was his coping mechanism.
If you ask his family, they’ll say he was always this super happy and joyful kid and teenager growing up.
In all reality,
It was his coping mechanism for handling any types of emotions that were not happiness.
Emotional suppression;
Disguised as “happiness.”
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/music/text/childrens-songbook/smiles?lang=eng
Since we left the church, my amazing husband has learned to accept any and all emotions he may feel; including anger, sadness, disappointment…grief.
He has worked very hard to learn to accept and really feel the emotions he feels, rather than shove them deep down inside and slap on a fake happy smile to cover them up.
I’m sure his family would say that leaving the church had made him lose his joy and happiness that they saw in him growing up…
The false, toxic positivity he always resorted to to handle his emotions;
Even when he lost two friends to suicide.
My husband told me that the men were taught that if they do everything right according to the church, doing everything you should be doing,
that you should be happy.
That discouragement would have no place within you.
That depression would have no place…
But the reality is??
Sometimes life is just shitty.
And covering up all emotions deemed as “negative” by the church with toxic positivity?
It doesn’t address the issues;
It just buries them.
And the men continue to learn to keep everything inside.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2019/04/36nelson?lang=eng
My husband once told me that he had a mission president who stated that he wanted to be in the “Hall of fame for daily repentance.”
And interesting thing to state.
Now, as humans, we are in no way opposed to the idea of daily self reflection and change for the better.
However,
Repentance is different.
Repentance is falling to your knees in weakness and begging a higher being for forgiveness of thoughts, actions, or behaviors that are deemed as “wrong” by the church.
Repentance focuses more on the sin and weakness of the person; not necessarily the betterment or development of the person. The focus of repentance is about accepting that you are lowly and need someone to save you.
Teaching people that they do things SO wrong that it’s considered a spiritual transgression and SIN,
every single day…
Is a psychologically abusive manipulation tactic.
And it’s drilled HARSHLY into everyone, men and women;
But men more so; what with their “higher authority” and “calling to the priesthood” in the church.
As we saw with “sexual purity,”
Men tend to be eaten alive on the daily by their imperfections and thoughts.
We aren’t saying that women aren’t;
But this post is focused on the men.
How do you build self Confidence as a man in the church with this type of rhetoric being drilled into you all the time?
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2019/04/36nelson?lang=eng
“Doing better and being better” is not a bad motto for life. We all change, grow, develop. It’s a normal human thing.
However.
It can be taken to the extreme.
Men who are taught that they need to “become increasingly pure” all the time, for the rest of their life? To constantly seek worthiness, purity, and perfection?
That will do a number on a man’s mind.
And not in a healthy way.
My husband once told me that he repented when he stumbled over his words, when learning a second language on his mission.
He repented for not speaking a second language he was actively learning perfectly.
He also told me that he repented once because when he was on his mission, his mission companion would not wake up on time, and he felt as though he had failed as his companion. He felt as though he had sinned in his inability to look out for and keep his companion on the “right path,” doing the “right things,” and being “exact in obedience.”
He repented because he felt responsible for his “companion’s actions.”
And this just goes to show how deeply the idea of “become increasingly pure” that the church teaches can be taken to extremes so easily.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2019/04/36nelson?lang=eng
What does this even mean?
So what, if men don’t want to wear a white shirt and tie all the time.
Just because men may have different preferences for different styles,
doesn’t mean men can’t look nice and good in street clothes!
The church has this idea of what a Mormon man should look like;
clean shaven, neat. Orderly. Perfect.
The church teaches men to look Mormon.
It erases personal style and likes in fashion.
It teaches men to be low maintenance.
Function over fashion.
“The way you dress is a reflection of who you are as a person.”
At least, that’s what the church has told the women in the past.
So I guess it’s no surprise it’s the same for the men.
My husband only wore shorts and a t-shirt, jeans and a graphic t-shirt, and a white shirt and tie on Sundays.
That was IT.
The church teaches to avoid “extreme styles in appearance.”
I mean, what does colorful hair or a few added accessories say about a person?…
That they like color and have a certain fashion sense??
Since we’ve left the church, my husband has been thrilled at experimenting with his style! He’s tried out hats, pants, jewelry, jackets, accessories
I don’t think I’ve ever seen him more thrilled and excited to go shopping before!
It makes my heart unbelievably happy to see him express himself ❤
A man’s whole sense of individuality becomes erased in the church; living in selfless service…but neglecting their own health and sanity.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2019/04/36nelson?lang=eng
And on top of all the repression of self-expectation and suppression of your individuality;
Men are responsible for literally everybody else on top of that.
They’re expected to hide their flaws and things going wrong, because they need to keep up that “perfect appearance” for everyone else;
To show everyone else that they’re doing everything they should be doing,
to be that example of a “disciple.”
Keep it all inside, because if you don’t, the other men will step in and take over when you fail.
Express yourself the way the church wants you to; that’s how they judge how much of a “man” you are just based on initial appearance.
Forget yourself completely and overwork and overwhelm yourself as a servant to literally everyone else.
It’s demeaning and disheartening.
Condescending.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2019/04/36nelson?lang=eng
Repent DAILY, because “there’s not a day that goes by that you make mistakes so bad they’re considered a spiritual transgression and sin!”
Make sure you’re looking the part!
Make sure your family is looking the part!
Make sure the other men are doing the things the church expects them to for their families!
Support each other as a brotherhood…
But gently critique each other when someone doesn’t live up the standards or expectations.
And the “Worthiness.”
Always be worthy to be able to fulfill your “duty.”
Always do what you’re supposed to do.
Always strive for perfection.
Do it ALL!!
And when a man doesn’t live up to those standards? He’s deemed as less “worthy.”
You drink a cup of coffee?
No more priesthood for you!
You stopped paying tithing to the church and instead donate directly to charities?
No priesthood!
Not to mention the silent criticism and thoughts of those around them, if they aren’t “worthy” of the priesthood.
A man doesn’t take the sacrament.
Internal thoughts –
“What happened? Why aren’t they worthy?”
A man isn’t able to participate in the blessing of a baby.
“Oh no, what did they do? Why aren’t they worthy to participate in this?”
It’s very condescending.
Silent.
But condescending.
Because it’s just expected that in the church, every man should have the priesthood.
Should be able to participate in the church’s Patriarchal witchcraft.
It’s a man’s duty to be “worthy;” so be involved and move up the ranks of the Heirarchy of priesthood.
If you don’t have it, you’re not even really a man;
you aren’t even on the Heirarchy.
You’re the lowest of the low.
People in the church don’t bat an eye when men participate in doing “priesthood duties.”
But they DO take notice when a man doesn’t.
Quietly
Condescending.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/84?lang=eng
Exactness.
Discipline.
“A godly man is a good man.”
“A holy man is a wholesome man.”
Words my husband grew up hearing.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/84?lang=eng
There is an intense shame of being “unworthy” to hold the priesthood,
After you have already “received it.”
Especially with the Melchizedek priesthood; the “higher” priesthood.
My husband once told me of something he was taught growing up about being worthy and holding the priesthood.
Regarding the “lesser” priesthood, the “Aaronic priesthood” in which the sacrament of bread and water is handed out to the Sunday congregation.
And the teaching is this: that if you are “unworthy,” and you know it…
and you bless the sacrament, and hand it out to the entire, worthy congregation;
the sacrament itself is not null;
but YOU?
You take on the damnation of every. single. person. in that congregation…
because you
unworthy you,
Gave the sacrament to them all. (Something scriptural).
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/nt/1-cor/11?lang=eng
The men are given two options regarding their “worthiness” to hold the priesthood.
ONE,
They can be honest and admit their sins to a church leader; admit that they are not worthy to hold the priesthood, and go through the “repentance process” to regain the priesthood; BUT they will be silently, publicly shamed when it is noticed that they are not participating in priesthood duties in the church; a quiet humiliation.
Or TWO,
Stay silent, and don’t say anything to anyone about your “sin” and continue to participate in the priesthood duties of the church, keeping your own things private; BUT receive spiritual damnation by God for participating in things as an “unworthy” man and you “shall not have forgiveness in this world nor the world to come.”
Because using “God’s authority” unworthily brings damnation upon yourself. You are “mocking” God in acting in alleged “sin.”
But anything can be forgiven, right?
Apparently not; according to scripture.
The men just can’t win, either way.
And sin is subjective, by the way.
Every religion has a different idea about what counts as “sin.”
The shame on men for not being considered “worthy” according to the church’s standards, (drinking coffee, normal sexual self-exploration, not paying tithing to the church and instead skating directly to charities, etc.)
It runs DEEP.
Men naturally have desires to feel like they are successful in life. That they are valued, appreciated, that their life has worth, that they are loved and admired;
As does everyone.
But the church uses human desire as a weapon against its own members.
As young as age 8, you can be quietly, socially shamed if you don’t want to be baptized.
As young as age 12, you can be quietly, socially shamed for not being “worthy” and fulfilling your duties and responsibilities.
As young as age 18, you can be quietly shamed for deciding that a mission is not for you.
As an adult, you can be quietly shamed for having to ask another man to come and give your wife and children priesthood blessings under the roof of your own home, because you drink coffee and are now “unworthy.”
And it just keeps going.
The mental manipulation and abuse of men is endless.
And we wonder why there is such a crisis regarding men’s mental health.
–
Imagine shaming someone for leaving the church –
Because they don’t believe that men should be under so much intense pressure of having to carry literally everything on their shoulders, and that men’s mental health and self-care matters.
