There is a common rhetoric that seems to circulate among active members of the church in regards to those who have left it.
Less-active.
Inactive.
Ex-mormon.
There are many a title for those who do not participate fully in the Church and it’s Organization.
Labels.
Categories.
Boxes.
But religion is no stranger to boxes, is it?
“They can leave the church, but they can’t leave it alone.”
The church tells its members to love those who have left.
To be patient; to be kind.
Loving
Understanding.
But the hypocrisy is very vibrant, and one doesn’t have to look far to see it.
If one is just willing to take off those rose-colored glasses and see how things really are.
The church loves to tell its members to love those who have left.
But it also likes to use the language of
“Staying strong” when loved ones leave the church.
Subtly stating that those who have left have “given in” to Satan. That their faith was weak. That members need to “stay strong;” as if someone leaving is an active threat to those who stay.
And…they are.
Those who have left.
They ARE an active threat to those who stay.
Because those who leave, have taken off the rose colored glasses.
And the church wants its members to keep them on.
And disguises taking off the rose colored glasses as “temptations,” or “Satan trying to lead you astray.”
So of course, the church wants its members to stay.
Hence the loud proclamations of “love those who have left”
Side by side with the subtle, subconscious thoughts of “but leaving is wrong;” “those who have left are wrong,” “they made a poor choice.”
And that is why it is IMPOSSIBLE for a person to fully love and embrace another…
…when they have subconscious thoughts and judgements about those who have left the church;
Hidden internal judgements about their lifestyle.
Who they love.
What they wear.
What they drink.
These subconscious beliefs and thoughts feed into judgement against those who have left.
And separate loved ones from each other, rather than unite.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2016/02/when-a-child-leaves-the-church?lang=eng
It makes it hard for a family member who has left the church, to be able to talk freely about their life with loved ones who are still in it.
“Yeah this weekend was really fun! We went out dancing at the bar…”
And the internal thoughts of their loved one who is still an active member feels that internal irk, revolting at the thought of a bar…
…and ignoring what their loved one said about how they had fun getting dressed up for the first time in months, got to catch up with friends, got to sing and dance to their favorite songs.
But the active member mind tends to stick to the words “bar” and the associated presumption of “alcohol;”
And the subtle, subconscious judgement is there.
“I am so excited to try the new pumpkin spice coffee!”
Irk.
“I got this new tube top today that’s so cute!”
Irk.
“I’ve been mapping out this new tattoo for ages, I finally got it scheduled to get it!”
Irk.
“I’m going to this concert on Sunday…”
Irk.
Irk.
Irk.
The subconscious mind of the active member, trained by the church to judge those who have left.
To judge a lifestyle that differs from their own.
To judge those who do not fall into their “box.”
And it’s not necessarily their fault; members don’t usually realize they’re doing it, either.
It’s the way the church uses their subtle rhetoric and propaganda to get their members’ minds trained to be this way – without the members’ notice.
However; the ex-members notice it.
They notice in every word and interaction with their loved ones who are still very actively inside the religion.
And it results in divided family relationships.
And in the impossibility of being able to love and embrace one another fully.
Active members tend to picture those who have left as similar to “Alma the younger;”
A character in the Book of Mormon who “led many astray from the church…”
And they fear for us and our souls; for the “path” we are taking…
Instead of realizing that maybe the goal of ex-members ISN’T to lead others out;
That we haven’t been manipulated by an invisible devil and are now trying to “lead others astray;”
But that maybe, just maybe, it’s to help those who HAVE left, to feel less alone.
To be someone who understands the pain of religious deconstruction to others.
A shoulder to cry on.
A listening ear.
To shed light on an organization that chased them so much harm, pain and hurt first-handedly
That they just want to be able to voice their concerns;
To protect their loved ones…
Just the same way that active members believe they just want to protect and save their loved ones who have left the church.
That’s one thing that active members and ex-members have in common, anyways.
Telling it’s members to
“Remain strong.”
That many active members struggle with loved ones who “have rebellious children.”
The church is no stranger to labelling people.
To distinguish their own ideas of good…
…and “bad.”
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2016/02/when-a-child-leaves-the-church?lang=eng
“Love those who have left.”
But judge them subconsciously.
“Invite them to your table.”
But wish they would live a different lifestyle.
“Welcome them with open arms.”
But hate their “sin” as defined by the Church.
A loved one who was once close to us recently told us that “There are a lot of assumptions about how we feel about you leaving the church.”
And that was sad to hear;
As the majority of things we had discussed with this family member and their reaction to it, their comments in response, etc.
Is what determined and shaped our perception of the amount of support and love we were able to receive from this family member –
How open and willing they were to actually listen to and hear our story.
Telling us that we are “assuming” they’re homophobic;
While at the same time telling us that they actively contribute money to a church that does not permit gay marriage.
And sadly, it wasn’t a lot of love or support, or true open-mindedness on their end.
As it seems that the things I pointed out or noticed, fell on deaf ears as our loved one prioritized the religion over the experiences of their relative.
This loved one also told us that “this might be a sticking point in our family – a lot of attention from you about leaving the church.”
The irony found in this statement is quite sad, actually –
The fact that active-practicing family members can send unlimited general conference quotes, talks, church articles, etc.
And they’ll keep talking about their religion for the rest of their lives.
And yet, those same family members tell their loved one who LEFT the church, that, basically, their family member who left the church, needs to let it go.
To move on.
To leave behind the 25 years of their life that they spent inside the church.
The hurt and harm they felt.
To stop talking about it and move on.
Why?
To make the family members who are still in the religion more comfortable.
To remain in their bubble; keep the rose colored glasses on.
Any experiences that oppose their belief system being seen as a “threat” to their own faith – rather than trying to genuinely see and hear the stories that another had experienced.
They get “tired” of hearing about the experiences of one who left the religion…
It makes them uncomfortable to hear the experiences of those who have left;
Because it tends to rattle the glasses they try to keep on…
…But they don’t consider how tired those who have left may feel about hearing about their experiences still being IN the religion.
A double standard.
Not all of us are trying to become ex-Mormon influencers;
Some of us just desperately want to be heard and understood by our loved ones.
https://mrm.org/temple-exclusion
“Nobody is focusing on what you believe in.”
Another statement made by this same family member to us.
As if our discussions about leaving the religion is merely because we are in our heads and paranoid about what others are thinking about us and our decision to leave.
When in all reality;
We don’t discuss these things because we care what others think about us; or what their perception is regarding us.
If we cared what others thought, we’d do the opposite –
Stay quiet.
No.
We merely talk, discuss, and debate
Because of how lonely and crippling the experience is of a faith deconstruction journey actually is;
How isolating practicing members can make you feel.
And so we reach out a hand to those who may be struggling
Silently
Like we did.
We make ourselves open and vulnerable to those who DO need someone to understand them
And their journey
So that they do not feel alone.
And in the process,
We can articulate and make sense of the traumatic experiences we ourselves had for those 25 years in the church.
Help one another out in this journey that only those who have actually left will truly be able to understand.
Active members can place those doubts and questions on the shelf;
However,
Until that shelf breaks…
They will NEVER truly, deeply understand the experience of those who have left.
As it was with us.
And so…
Love your loved ones who have left.
But be unable to embrace them fully.
Choose not to attend your child’s wedding because they’re marrying someone of the same gender.
Shame your child for drinking their morning coffee around you.
Criticize your child for shopping on Sunday.
Ridicule your child for posting photos they feel beautiful in on their own social media because of how they’re dressed.
Be unable to embrace your child fully.
Until your own shelf finally breaks.
And then maybe, you’ll understand.
–
If you’re thinking,
“I don’t shame people for leaving the church!”
“People have every right to leave and do what works for them; that’s agency!”
“I don’t think less of ex-members. I think it’s complicated.”
Then tell me…
• Today, has the church stopped preaching to its members about praying for those who have left the church yet?
• Today, are ex-members shamed online for sharing their negative experiences in the church?
• Today, are family members still judgmental and critical about those who have left the church?
• Today, do you feel a slight, subtle twinge when someone does something around you that doesn’t meet your religious standards, such as drink a coffee or decide not to wear their garments that day? Do people talk about these people and how they are living differently from the church?
• Today, do active members excessively share their religion to others but then state that ex-members just need to “move on?”
The indoctrination regarding those who have left the church remains in the minds and bodies of the active members.
The church made sure of that.
–
Imagine shaming someone for leaving the church –
Because they believe there are hundreds of different ways to live life, and not just one.
