A recent General Conference talk re-ignited some old feelings of hurt and pain, on our end of things.
It seems as though the Church is adamant in painting ex-members as hurt, broken, confused, lost, searching for something to fill a hole, etc…
And honestly…
That is what hurts us;
A lot…
Not the fact that we left the church.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2026/10/210rasband?lang=eng
The church tells active members that us ex-members are “confused, miserable, don’t have eternal life, have no life with God, have no peace and will never ever have peace.”
Like damn.
As ex-members, there’s something you need to understand about us.
When ex-members leave, there’s generally a lot of hurt on OUR end;
lots of conflicting emotions, pain, and devastation; as well as a sense of betrayal by the church itself…
And, usually a few traumatic stories to go along with those feelings.
Why?
Because do you know what ex-members really, desperately want?
It’s to genuinely feel heard, and understood.
But the Church doesn’t want it’s members to give ex-members that validation…
The church doesn’t want members to hear our stories, or very real pain and experiences…
They want their members to deny any pain or hurt we as ex-members may have felt from the church and it’s policies and doctrines.
They only want their members to trust the church;
To trust the abuser over the abused…
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2023/10/51nelson?lang=eng
The church is excellent at gaslighting people;
And it hurts ex-members deeply.
Let us explain.
There have been many times when active members have told us phrases that make us feel like we are crazy, like we imagined what we were taught growing up.
One good example;
The phrase:
“It was never about modesty!”
But WE grew up being told that our bodies would be literal, physical pornography if we didn’t cover up…
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2005/04/pornography?lang=eng
And when the church turns it around and gaslights members into believing “it was never about modesty;”
When it was, when we were raised in the church…
It makes us feel hurt, crazy, and betrayed by the church.
We spent our lives desperately seeking “modest” prom dresses, cutting pants into long enough shorts, making sure our shoulders were covered…
And now the church is gaslighting us into believing that was “never about modesty?”
It truly does feel like getting STABBED in the back by a friend you were once so very loyal to; a friend you desperately wanted to make happy. A friend you so deeply loved…
So it’s physically and emotionally painful when the church tries to gaslight people into believing “that’s never what the church meant…”
When we know for a fact that is what the church meant…
Because we lived through it!!
First-hand!
But when we go and try to explain that to active members,
They gaslight us.
Tell us we didn’t understand fully. We’re wrong. We’re making things up…
And we are left with zero validation of our real, and truly lived experiences.
So ex-members?
They just want people to believe them and the things they experienced.
To hear them out;
To acknowledge their pain.
But the church…
Is very unforgiving.
And tells its members not to trust us.
To “not counsel” with us…
And it’s heartbreaking…
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2023/10/51nelson?lang=eng
It’s like when an abuser tells people that the person they are abusing is crazy;
that they’re making things up.
That they’re lying.
That they misunderstand the situation…
It’s exactly like that…
And it’s enough to drive an ex-member quite literally crazy.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2026/10/210rasband?lang=eng
The church wants ex-members to be miserable…
The church wants ex-members to be painted as “lost” and “confused.”
Because if they’re miserable, lost and confused…
The church can prove to people that their church is “True.”
But that couldn’t be further from the truth.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2026/10/210rasband?lang=eng
As ex-members, we feel like we have to have receipts upon receipts upon receipts of PROOF as to what we experienced and how we felt being raised with certain teachings in the church.
“Well that wasn’t MY experience, so they must have just misunderstood…”
And even when we DO have the receipts?
It’s far too easy for members to shrug their shoulders and roll their eyes and say “you’re missing the greater scheme of things;” or “you’re misunderstanding the deep spirituality of this topic.”
But a lot of us ex-members?
We know we didn’t misunderstand.
A lot of us…
• Are seminary graduates
• read the scriptures front to back multiple times on our own growing up
• Attended youth trips, devotionals, EFY
• Attended Institute classes in college
• Did baptisms for the dead and obtained our own endowments
• Devoutly wore our garments night and day
• refrained from coffee, alcohol, etc.
• Served missions where we taught the doctrines and tried to get people to get baptized and join the church
• Became leaders as adults in the church
• Spent time being temple workers and memorizing all of the sacred prayers and rituals done in the temple
• Were sealed in the temple
But apparently, to active members who still believe…
That doesn’t make us “trustworthy sources,” in their eyes.
Because despite all of our first handed experience, over two decades of involvement…
Because we left??
We are no longer trustworthy sources; giving heed to “seducing spirits and doctrines of devils.”
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/gospel-topics/happiness?lang=eng
It hurts that members don’t seem to take us seriously…
That they roll their eyes at us and think we’re just mad at a church they find no fault in;
They believe we are angry for no good reason.
And the gaslighting…
F*cking HURTS.
Like a b*tch.
Especially when it comes to your own family and loved ones…
Because after all;
The church tells us that we will lose our families if we leave the church…
And…
So far, the church has been right about that…
But not in the afterlife.
In this life.
But not by fault of the ex-member…
For example;
I, the wife, have a sister in law who hasn’t responded to me and has refused to talk to me for months…
She’ll respond to us in group chats with other family members.
But individually?
She completely ignores me, the wife; even when I’ve tried desperately to reach out and keep those familial relationships.
It’s been over a year;
And she hasn’t responded to a single individual text or message I’ve sent her to try and reach out.
All because we left the church.
And her family, my husband’s side, blames me for us both leaving.
The church does indeed tear families apart.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2023/10/51nelson?lang=eng
The recent general conference talk talks about the pain that ex-members caused their loved ones who are still in the church;
(Making active members feel as though they are victim to ex-members who leave)…
Which 1.) Our decision is not a reflection on any loved ones and has nothing to do with them.
And 2.) It paints this picture that it is us, the ex-members who are hurting people by leaving the church…
Now THAT is an absolute falsehood.
The church wants active member loved ones to believe that the pain they feel about their loved one leaving the church is because of the fault of the loved one.
When in all reality?
It’s the church who creates that pain;
It’s the church who teaches that those who leave are abandoning eternal life with their families.
The Church is fostering that pain;
Not the ex-members.
The ex-members decided to leave those painful and harmful teachings behind;
But the church paints them, ex-members, as the villains; the ones causing pain and hurt on their loved ones.
WE didn’t hurt anyone by our leaving; that was a personal, individual decision…
It’s the Church’s Teachings about families that hurt them.
But the church has loved ones successfully placing the blame of their hurt on US.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2026/10/210rasband?lang=eng
Not being believed,
Being gaslit,
Feeling invalidated in your very real-lived experiences…
It can do a big number on a person.
And the hate for the church just grows even more, as a result;
For what the church tells our loved ones about us…
What the church brainwashes them into believing about us…
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2023/10/51nelson?lang=eng
For some reason,
The church is adamant that we as ex-members are more miserable outside the church, than IN…
That we are “attacking” members and the church when we try to open discussions on things the church itself has said and taught.
But you know what’s interesting?
We have genuinely never felt MORE peace, comfort, and joy!
Inside the church, we were miserable…
But outside?
No greater joy and peace has been felt on our end!
But according to the church?
We are living in a “wretched state” of “riotous living,” and have lost every ounce of our own “self-respect.”..
Which is news to us!! lol
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2026/10/210rasband?lang=eng
And yet, the church will still try to claim our “peace” and “joy” is “misinformed;”
“Temporary.”
“A distraction of the devil.”
How can the church tell US how we feel??
But the members believe the church…
They truly believe we are living a “false” sense of joy, happiness, and peace.
And in their eyes?
It makes them pity us…
Instead of just being happy for us, and the fact that we found a way of life that works for us,
A way of life that has given us the most joy and peace possible!
But still…
They don’t believe we are truly happy.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/gospel-topics/happiness?lang=eng
They think we’re misguided; confused, that our happiness is temporary.
Well we have news for you…
The church does not have a monopoly on JOY.
The quote above insinuates we don’t work hard…
That we don’t engage in acts of service to others…
That we don’t focus on our own personal spiritual growth…
And the church would be dead wrong about all of that.
And it’s blatantly insulting.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2026/10/210rasband?lang=eng
We don’t need our hearts to change…
We will not be returning to such an abusive and manipulative Religous organization.
We don’t need to change our hearts to be able to make ourselves okay with the psychological and mental abuse/gymnastics that the church places on it’s members.
Claiming that God will “Change our hearts” insinuates still,
that we are lost and confused.
But we aren’t.
We’re fine, actually.
So,
Family members of loved ones who have left the church…
You can either choose to believe us, and what we say about our own lives, from our own perspectives;
Or you can believe what the church tells you we are feeling.
We aren’t saying you have to leave the church.
But we are asking you if you will believe the experiences and stories of your loved ones who have left.
So…
Who will you believe?
–
Imagine shaming someone for leaving the church –
Because of how negatively the church tries to paint those who leave, and how it convinces members that ex-members are the “problem;” and not the church itself.
